What parents must do before giving kids a smartphone

Psychologist Jean Twenge suggests that delaying giving your child a smartphone or allowing them to join social media can lead to a happier and more successful adulthood.

To help parents navigate this delay, Twenge advises starting to teach kids how to use technology safely and healthily at least six years ahead. By beginning early, children can develop healthier relationships with online technologies, which can contribute to their growth into well-adjusted adults, according to Twenge.

“Ideally, it’s beneficial to have these guidelines in place by the time your children reach late elementary school to be prepared, as children are receiving these devices at younger ages,” says Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University and author of “10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World,” released on September 2.

In her book, Twenge recommends avoiding social media for kids until age 16 and suggests that children should not have a smartphone unless they have a driver’s license and are expected to be independent. She argues that these technologies are contributing to increased rates of mental health issues in teenagers, such as anxiety and depression.

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These statements have garnered attention, especially since many U.S. parents provide smartphones and social media access to their children at much younger ages. According to a recent Pew Research Center survey, over half of U.S. parents stated that their 11 to 12-year-olds already have their own smartphones.

If you engage in conversations with your children about responsible internet technology use before they turn 10, or earlier if they are already using internet-connected devices like laptops, you can help them grasp and internalize the potential negative effects of excessive smartphone and social media use, Twenge suggests.

For instance, you could discuss the types of personal information that should not be shared online, from nude photos to personal details like home addresses or Social Security Numbers. You could emphasize the importance of privacy—reminding your children to never assume that a text or Snapchat message will remain private and to refrain from posting information or opinions online that they wouldn’t want broadcasted over the school loudspeaker.

Twenge also recommends teaching children that “your time is a precious resource,” and that they may regret spending a significant portion of their youth glued to a device instead of interacting with friends and family in person.

The goal is to establish a healthier relationship with these technologies as they grow older, Twenge explains. However, these discussions alone are not a guarantee of success, as another crucial step is necessary.

Twenge’s top advice is to set clear rules regarding how your children can use devices and the internet once you feel comfortable allowing them to do so.

One of the rules in Twenge’s book prohibits smartphones during school hours and overnight in children’s bedrooms. Another rule suggests that if parents decide to give their child a device, the first phone should be a “basic” one—not connected to the internet but capable of making calls and sending texts to friends and family.

You can also utilize parental controls to guide your children’s initial smartphone experiences, such as setting daily time limits to prevent excessive social media usage or blocking adult-oriented websites and apps.

“Teach them the importance of moderation—and then implement parental controls to ensure your efforts are not in vain,” writes Twenge.

Regardless of your approach, communicate your rules directly to your children, she advises.

“We will have that conversation [and] be very clear about the controls we’re implementing on that phone,” Twenge says. “For instance, when she receives that smartphone, one measure we will take is blocking app downloads, so if she wants to add more apps, it becomes a discussion rather than a unilateral decision where we are unaware of what is being downloaded.”

If your children already have smartphones or access to social media, and you are beginning to regret that choice, Twenge reassures that it is never too late to reconsider. Be open and transparent about your decision-making process, she suggests: “I made a mistake. I have learned more, and we will approach this differently moving forward…”

Even if your teen reacts strongly at first—expecting some slammed doors—remain steadfast and provide perspective, Twenge recommends. “Remind them, ‘Hey, you can still communicate with your friends. You can still call me. It’s either this or no fun at all.’ This helps contextualize the situation.”

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