I swear by this No. 1 parenting rule—it’s ‘surprisingly simple’

Parents in today’s world frequently pose numerous questions to their children, often with good intentions of being respectful and collaborative. However, these questions can sometimes lead to confusion and unnecessary power struggles.

As a preschool teacher, professor, and child development specialist who has worked with over 5,000 families, I advocate for a simple yet effective rule: Say what you mean.

Children rely on clear and confident leadership, rather than being asked to weigh in on every decision. Rhetorical “why” questions can often result in increased shame or defensiveness. It is more beneficial to express your intentions directly:

• Instead of: “Why do I have to ask you so many times?!”
• Try: “I’ve been repeating myself a lot. I know that’s frustrating for both of us. Right now, it’s time to get shoes on and leave.”

By communicating directly, you invite teamwork, reflection, and problem-solving, rather than escalating negative emotions.

Before reacting, consider The Say What You Mean Principle: What is the message you are trying to convey? Then, communicate it clearly:

• Instead of: “Why did you hit your brother?!”
• Try: “You cannot hit your brother. Even when you’re angry, no hitting. How can you show him you’re upset in another way?”

Children benefit from guidance rather than interrogation, and direct communication is often more effective than questioning.

Turning simple instructions into questions can lead to confusion for children. Providing clear directives eliminates the possibility of unnecessary power struggles:

• “Shoes on, please. We’re leaving.”
• “Dinner is ready. Please wash your hands.”
• “It’s time for bed.”

Clear leadership fosters a calmer and more cooperative environment for children.

Questions are valuable when they encourage reflection, problem-solving, self-expression, and confidence-building. By asking fewer questions and providing more intentional leadership, parents can create a more harmonious home environment.

Implementing these communication strategies can lead to significant positive changes within your family dynamic.

Siggie Cohen is a child development specialist and author of the new book “You Are the Parent.” With a background in education and psychology, she offers practical insights for parents based on her extensive experience.

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